I was recently swimming through waves of Internet pages, searching for things that measure minuscule energy fluctuations. I think I’m going to replicate some of Dr. Duncan MacDougall’s experiments, but that’s another story. On that note, does anyone have any small animals that are not doing well?

Anyway, I come across this New Age site that offers EMF detectors. You know, the ones the ghost hunters wave around near electrical outlets in old houses before going, “Hey, did you hear that?” And I notice a huge selection of links. Light therapy, detoxification, biofeedback, stuff like that.

They have a listing for a sleep pillow. Hmm, I already have one of those. I suppose with specialization, niche markets, and granular economic taxonomies at work, people now have separate pillows for each quantified function. A fighting pillow. A smother-your-mother-in-law pillow. A dog-humping pillow (our lab has sent more than one of our pillows to the washing machine). At any rate, I have that covered.

There’s a listing for relaxing with CD’s. I’ve got my Manson, Lennon, and Hugo Rock.

There’s a listing for Awakening Through Sound. It’s $69.95. My alarm clock cost 7 bucks. And it has a snooze button.

There’s a Self-Hypnosis Home Study course. I think I’ve already ordered and taken this. I’m not sure, though. I’ll just buy another one to make sure.

There’s a Space Sounds 10 CD Set. This is when I get really suspicious. I’ve never really figured out the whole tree in the forest thing, but I know from high school that there are no sounds in space. Nice try. My momma didn’t raise no fool. And I’m an only child. I mean, just in case you were thinking she might have raised another fool, like I had brothers and sisters or something. What I’m saying is it doesn’t matter to me. Six and a half one way, a dozen the other.

There’s a stress thermometer. I wasn’t aware that my temperature fluctuated when I stress. I guess this makes sense. When I have a temperature of 103, I’m pretty stressed. And they have a Biofeedback Stress Eraser. So . . . I could hook this up to the stress thermometer and voila, I’ve just cured pneumonia.

There’s a white noise machine which sounds like 500 librarians telling you to hush, all at once. I can just record 500 librarians doing this myself. I just have to get 500 – wait – ahh, the genius of it. They’ve done all the work there. Touché.

They have a Healing at the Speed of Sound book. Sound travels at 1,126 fps. That means that if I get a two inch cut on my forearm, I will heal in D = RT or T = D/R . . . so,  T = 2/12 / 1,126, = 1/6756 = .00014 seconds. That’s quicker than Wolverine. Hell yeah.

There’s a New History Generator CD, which I guess, as you’re playing it, is by default creating new history. An event horizon for forward moving reality. These guys are probably physicists.

Then, under Behavior Modification, they have a listing for a Happy for no Reason Paraliminal CD. Again, I’m no expert on cause and effect, but if you listen to the CD and then become happy, isn’t the CD the reason for your happiness? The only way to effectively market this product would therefore be to not sell it, and see if it still worked. And there’s that word I don’t understand. Paraliminal. So I looked it up on WordWeb. And the Wiktionary. And Wikipedia. And WordWeb online. And Google. Turns out there are no definitions. Because it’s a made-up word. Like flinginburl. Or scrudulous. I did find another site that explained it. Para means beyond, and they give use paraliminal instead of me that nasty blow word a subliminal job. The sub means below. So one is below the threshold of consciousness and the other is beyond the threshold of consciousness. See the difference? So instead of learning Spanish while you sleep, Paraliminal is based on two, separate voices talking into each ear, one spouting logical things and the other saying creative things. Listen to poetry in one ear and learn sin and cosine in the other. Completely scrudulous, if you ask me. I can just visit someone’s grandparents. Problem solved.

They also state that “You may be pleased to know that there are no subliminal messages on Paraliminal recordings.” They also state that “You may be pleased to know that there are no subliminal messages on Paraliminal recordings.” They also state that “You may be pleased to know that there are no subliminal messages on Paraliminal recordings.”

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They also sell EMF protection devices. I imagine this thing would have warned me before I tried to dig out that piece of torn bread from the toaster with a butter knife. That would have definitely been worth the $119.

They have a bottle of pills called Brain Lightening. I would assume you don’t want to give this to an epileptic.

I’m not really sure what I’m going to buy. I’ll let you know.