February.  Say it.  February.  Now look closer at the spelling.  Sound it out, slowly.  Tell me it doesn’t sound like a Chinese person mispronouncing a word.  I’m surprised we haven’t reformed it down south.  Something like Feeben-yary.  Or Febary.  Fee-brary.  You know, like some’us done wif ferigerator.

Now:  Drive to California.  Swim out and trap a decent sized seal.  Put it in your backseat and return home.  Make sure to carry lots of bottled water and fresh fish or the long drive home could be awkward.  If you play music on the radio, do not put it on a bluegrass station.  It sets them off.  Trust me.  When you get back home, place the seal in your shower and rinse it in cold water for about thirty minutes.  Use baby shampoo and do not get soap in their eyes.  Again, it’s bad if that happens.  A blind, angry seal is not something you want loose in your bathroom.  When the seal is rehydrated, take it downstairs and place it in your dryer.  (Note: If you do not have a downstairs there is no need to panic.  You may use a dryer on any level of your home.)

It is at this point where things may break down.  You must assert yourself.  You may have to get back in touch with your inner Alpha.  One thing is certain at this stage: YOU MUST NOT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM THE SEAL!  Think of all the money you’ve spent already on gas and seafood.  Just make it happen.  Once the seal is in place, turn the setting to “Fluff Only.”  Make sure the timer is set to no more than two minutes.  Turn the dryer on.  Now, do your hear that thunking sound with each revolution?  That is the sound that my life is making right now.

It’s one thing to know what you’re supposed to be doing.  It’s another thing when God gives you two big-ass hints and sets everything up so you finally have to put your money where your mouth is.  It’s that final acceptance that’s the hardest.  That final turn of the screw that says, “Ok, asshole.  Put up or shut up.”  Well, I’m putting up starting Monday.  The only way that I won’t follow through completely with full time writing and heading toward a teaching position is if some hiring manager is idiot enough to hire me.  I don’t see that happening.

My first novella will be coming out very shortly on Amazon.  It’s called Sorry Charlie.  A short horror/thriller.  Synopsis: Dan is having a bad day.  When he kills his estranged wife’s German Shepherd in a drunken stupor, things go from bad to worse.  Subtitle: Karma has teeth.